


The Things We Love

by ashenpages



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, The Last Jedi
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Force Bond, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-23
Updated: 2018-01-23
Packaged: 2019-03-08 09:45:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13455642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashenpages/pseuds/ashenpages
Summary: Ben cries when he thinks he's alone. This time, she finds him.





	The Things We Love

**Author's Note:**

> I was having a hard time because I heard someone threaten their child physically in public today. I'm tired of victims of abuse being cast aside as broken or too messed up to save. I'm tired of people being allowed to perpetuate abuse against children just because they're too small to do anything about it and don't have any legal protection. This is what I ended up writing to make myself feel better.
> 
> I need his redemption story like I need air, people.

Ben was tired.

He locked the door to his room and sat heavily on the bed. Bringing his hand up, he flexed his fingers, remember the weight of his father’s lucky brass dice in his hand. Rey’s face came to mind, then the door that she’d slammed between them.

Ben closed his eyes, the lids floodgates against the prickling sensation on the sensitive flesh behind them.

Another day where he had lost everything.

First his teacher, his parents, his name. Now, his confidence, his vengeance, and…her.

He’d been lonely before. He’d cried in the early days, wishing that he could have seen his mother one last time; Made up with his father over the stupid argument they’d had the last time he’d visited; Heard why Luke had turned on him.

Now he had guilt and shame and lost opportunities. Where had he gone wrong? What could he have done better? If he hadn’t listened to Snoke, maybe his father would be alive. He wouldn’t have tried to kill everything about the light that rested inside of him. He couldn’t go through with it when it had come to his mother. And now, even his anger with Luke was cold. There was nothing left of the anger that had kept him going up until now. Even thinking of Rey, he couldn’t find a spark of it in his heart or stomach.

Was he doomed to this? To never win no matter how hard he fought?

The floodgates broke.

Why, of all people, had she abandoned him too?

They could have fixed this whole stupid galaxy together. They could have fixed it all. No Jedi, no Sith, no rules except the ones they made and enforced.

There would never have been more lost children like the two of them had been.

Through his pain, Ben felt a warm sensation curl around him. It felt like the way his mother used to hold him when he’d had nightmares as a child. He curled around himself, trying to hold onto the feeling, and gasped when his cheek brushed against a soft bun of hair.

“Ben…”

Ben choked on a sob, trying to hold it back, then sucked in a breath. “Rey.”

He covered his mouth with a gloved hand, holding back the sounds of his crying, and breathed through his nose. She was warm against his stomach, her arms steadying and solid on his back. Even without the noise, she would be able to feel the convulsions of his torso. He breathed methodically, trying to erase those too.

“Why?” he asked when he got his breath back. “Why are you here?”

Rey stroked his back and pushed her nose over the fabric covering his collarbone.

She was so warm. So full of love and starlight.

He put his hands on her shoulders and pushed her away.

“Why?!” he demanded. His mind raced. _You shut a door in my face. You shut me out. You left. You left me._

“No,” Rey said. Her voice was gentle. _Kind._

Ben couldn’t stand it.

Rey touched his knee. He couldn’t bring himself to pull away again.

“I saved my friends. They needed help. I couldn’t stay. But I’m here now.”

Ben knew she was looking at him, but he wouldn’t meet her eyes. If he looked into them, he’d know she was telling the truth, and then he wouldn’t be able to stay angry. Without that anger, he’d let himself hope again.

How many times would he be burned by that useless emotion?

“You chose them over me,” he said weakly.

“I chose saving lives over losing them.” Rey reached up and caressed his cheek. He wanted to flinch away. Instead, he leaned his head into her hand and let the tears well back up. “That doesn’t mean I don’t want to save you too.”

Ben ducked his head and the tears overflowed. Rey held him as he cried, smoothing his hair and brushing the tears from his cheeks.

“It’s okay,” she said. “Don’t fight it. I feel it too.”

Ben swallowed and then stopped fighting the crying. He let it flow through him, hollowing him out—and let the warmth and comfort of Rey flow in to take its place as he put his arms around her and held her against his chest.

“This is hard for me too,” Rey said. “I’ve never felt as close or accepted or understood by anyone. Leaving you behind was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. And I know I can’t stop doing it yet. There’s too much at stake, too much I believe in that The First Order would destroy. But I swear to you, Ben… I won’t abandon you. Even if it’s only like this for now, I’m here. I won’t leave. I won’t shut you out. But I have to keep people safe. And as long as I have to keep them safe from you, I can’t share everything. And I know that hurts, and I know you’re scared, but you don’t have to be afraid of me. You can let me mean something to you—because you’ll never be nothing to me either.”

For the first time since waking up alone in the throne room, Ben was grateful for his and Rey’s force bond. No one had taught him to voice these things. He never would have been able to tell Rey how he was feeling as articulately as the force had.

Under her reassurances, his walls began to crumble. The jagged spears of anger and fear melted away and let her in. He didn’t have to do this alone. And neither did she.

Ben cried on her shoulder until he was all cried out. Then she pressed a kiss to his cheek.

“Thank you,” he whispered hoarsely in her ear.

“Always,” she said. Then she closed her eyes, and gently fitted her lips to his. It was brief and chaste, but it lit him up like the first strike of a match in a dark room—warm and bright and promising greater light to come.

“Until next time, Ben.”

And then she was gone.

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed this and want me to write something else you've been craving, consider commissioning me to write it for you! Send me an [ask on my tumblr if you want to keep it private](ashenpages.tumbr.com), or email me at fanficsbyash@gmail.com.
> 
> Seriously, I love writing this stuff for you all, so even if it's a tiny commission, hit me up. Writing fic that's specially designed to make you smile is my favorite thing to do, even if it's only a few hundred words long.


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